Things I Learned in O'Hare

- Domestic security is faster than International.

- I liked their immigration - I didn't have to explain why I am studying theater in the Middle East.

- But weather is stupid. As is rescheduling.

- The only thing open 24/7 is Starbucks.

- Terminal 1 is a cold terminal for napping. 2 is much warmer.

- United customer service doesn't open until 4:30AM.

- Being there right when customer service opens means that you can get an earlier flight.

- Thinking you will see you mom, and your dogs, and that you will sleep in your own bed, only to have to sleep in an airport because of a flight cancellation, is a horrible feeling. Especially after being away for 3.5 months in a foreign country.

- After traveling for 14 hours, crying, and sleeping on the floor, your eyelids get weirdly puffy. 

- You have to buy Wi-Fi here.

- The chairs are only slightly more comfortable than the floor for sleeping.

- Travel sheets are amazing. What is even more amazing is that for some reason I had it in my carry-on luggage. 

- You can be simultaneously exhausted and awake.

- Bacon and Bagels are really really good after traveling. 

Home in 6 hours. 

<3

Abu Dhabi

Abu Dhabi is not an easy place to be, for me.

It is urban, something I am not used to.

There is dust and concrete everywhere.

No matter how long you are there, you know you are still an outsider. Someone who kind of fits into the city, but not really.

But then there is Sama Tower, and the NYUAD community -  a place where I fit.

Where 3AM conversations are the best, and manaeesh and juice runs make your day.

Where the work is hard, but your friends are always there for you.

Abu Dhabi is hard. It hurts to be there.

But now, once I have left Sama tower for a year away, I realized it also hurts to leave.

Goodbyes are hard. I am happily leaving Abu Dhabi for a year, to find some space to breathe, but I do so with a heavy heart, because I will miss the place to some extent, and I will definitely miss the people.

But new adventures await.

<3

Writing

Writing isn't an easy thing. It doesn't just happen.

Inspiration just happens - that is the easy part.

Words have meaning because we give them meaning. Look at them objectively, and they are just marks on a page.  

The hard part is setting pen to paper, opening the laptop.

The hard part is when you begin to wrestle with every word, every connotation, every sound - trying to create something that says something. That means something.

It feels as though you are wrestling with the past/present/future all at once.

Like you are wrestling an archangel.

<3

The Things I Carry

The semester is winding down, which means, once again, I am packing my life into two suitcases.

This time, I will be packing for a year away for Abu Dhabi - for a year in Ghana, in New York, at home.

Some things stay constant when I pack - small things, but things that have emotional and personal value.

The title of this post refers to the novel The Things They Carried, a war novel consisting of short stories. The namesake story talks about what the soldiers carry, what reminds them of home, what holds meaning.

As I figure out what will be staying in Abu Dhabi, and what will be traveling on, I thought I would compose my own list of the things I carry.

- A marble.
- 2 coins.
- A set of Islamic prayer beads.
- Letters.
- A ring.
- Pictures.
- Small statues.
- Notebooks, primarily composition books.
- A flag.
- My tattoo.
- Memories.
- Certain books.
- History.
- Love.
- A frame.
- Stories.

<3

Hobbit Feels

So I just got back from watching the Hobbit. It was a pretty good movie.

I expected the CGI, the fantasy, the violence (though I was more sensitive to that than normally), but what I did not expect were the feelings about home.

First, you take the setting - places of trees, and snow, and stars. Non-existant here.

Then you add in this (paraphrased) conversation:

You are travelers. You don't have a home. You don't belong anywhere.

Which basically sums up NYUAD in a moment.

Then you jump to the end of the movie, where Bilbo says he is helping the Dwarves reclaim their home because they don't have one anymore.

Glad I am heading back to Vermont in 2 days. To a home.

<3

Standards of Beauty

The other day I was walking around in Abu Dhabi, going to Sama, from DTC.

That is probably my most commonly trod path, other than the one from Sama to Al Safa.

And as I was walking, I saw a father also walking, with his two children, a young boy, and a young girl.

The boy had on the typical "going to school" clothes here - nice pants, and a decent shirt.

The girl had on the typical "going to school" clothes on as well - a dress, with a schoolbag.

Aside from the gendered nature of the clothes, the two looked like siblings - except for one thing.

The girl had something that looked like talcum powder on her face - to make her look whiter.

It isn't the first time I have encountered this - when I have visited India I saw similar practices, and I am sure I could go to any country in the world where the population has a naturally darker tone and see this.

Talcum powder on little girls. Whitening creams for women.

Spray tanning on little girls. Real tanning, and bronzer, for women.

It isn't just that some people want to look whiter because they associate that with positive attributes. It is that in the same turn, some people want to look darker - not because of any perceived positive attributes, because I believe that racism, and race associations, is still a huge problem, but because of a standard of beauty.

Some cultures: Whiteness is beautiful. Others, pigment is beautiful.

And I think it all boils down to the idea that humans want to be what we're not - thinking it will be better, more beautiful - when it really isn't.

"The grass is always greener on the other side" - except they are saying that too.

I like to think I reject these standards of beauty, especially for ones too young to even realize the implications of whitening. It makes me sick to my stomach when I see girls forced into societies image of what they should be - whiter, more tan, skinnier - instead of what they just intrinisically are.

I wish acceptance of self was taught instead of modification.

But we're humans - we're flawed - we want to be more - be something we aren't.

<3

Spoken Word

I live a life where being home for 17 days is considered a blessing - considered a lot - more than last year - considering the friends that you want to catch up with, the family to hug, your dogs, who freak out when they hear the Skype noise, because it means they hear your voice, and that makes you want to cry, because they don't understand why you aren't there.

Hell, there are times that you don't understand why you aren't there - when big events happen, good or bad, and you find out time zones away. When all you need is to talk to your mom, but it is daytime there, and she is at work. Or it is 3AM there, and she is asleep.

Yet despite that, your feet still move. Your soles pound the earth, and you wander - to learn. To experience. To fail. To think.

One adventure is being put on pause, as I leave yet another family behind. This time, though, instead of leaving them in trees and snow, I leave them to sand and starless nights.

I'm happy to be studying away - I really am. I need time away from this space. But the prospect of leaving has been pushed to the back of my mind, avoided, for so long, that now, when I go home, leave this place, in a time much less than two weeks, I am nostalgic. And sad. And wanting to hold on to this community - but you can't always old on, because you have to let go, and breathe, and move. Just now, you are doing all of that without the ever-present safety net of friends.

Doing all of that without the familiar. Without the comfort.

But, as I was told during my Marhaba week (which seems so long ago, but it has been 2 years since I started this adventure of a lifetime during Candidate Weekend) to this strange, wonderful, and often befuddling-in-the-best-possible-way university, 'there is no growth in comfort.'

And so as I begin my travels to home, to Ghana, back home for a mere 48 hours (hours I am so grateful for), then to New York, I am ready to start stepping away from the safety net, away from the nest, of NYUAD, and begin to walk to a solo drummer. 

Though in doing so, I know my friends, my family, are doing the same, and that 'if I just reach out, I'm not alone.' When I reach out, I will find another person reaching out as well.

So Sama, consider this an early farewell, as I sit in this purple-gray chair, remembering again how unique of a place I have chosen - or rather, has chosen me - becuase someone, somewhere composed this school, this community, in a way that just works.

(Though there are moments where we get frustrated with each other, as family does)

<3

It Feels like "Winter" Here

It's been raining here. And not just Abu Dhabi rain (small sets of droplets), but real rain.

It is overcast today. I would even call the weather cool.

I have been watching Christmas movies, wearing flannel, making hot chocolate and mac n' cheese.

These days feel like fall days at home.

Days to snuggle up with a blanket and watch movies.

Days you keep the lights lower just because that feels warmer. 

Days that turn to nights where you look at the stars, and look at the past.

Mornings where the sun flames in all of its glory, casting light over low-lying clouds.

Days where work just doesn't want to be done, because everything is so comfortable, and so warm.

Fall days that you know will eventually turn to winter days, with woodsmoke and snow.

Home soon. Snow soon. But for now, Abu Dhabi is obliging with some rare weather.

<3